Posts Tagged ‘tom boonen’

Legalize It

Posted in dope, Rants on October 7th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Buck and I had an interesting conversation last night. He believes that doping should be allowed where I think it should definitely be banned.

If you allow pros to openly dope next up is endorsements. After that you’ve got ‘roided out teens looking like they’re in their late 20’s with tiny nuts (or hairy tits) and abnormally large hearts trying to pump molasses for blood. Shit, I’ve known people that used recreational performance enhancing drugs. They weren’t even fucking competing as amateurs. What do you think will happen to kids that’s think they can become pros?

Don’t get me wrong I think almost every pro cyclist dopes, but if you use something that isn’t on the banned substance list does that make it doping? What if they found some fungus that grows in the ass of some animals way up some mountain somewhere? I doubt the UCI has high altitude animal ass fungus on their banned list right now. One day they might, but as of right now they don’t.

So you start main lining this fungus and, kaapow, you barely have to breathe going up a 20% grade. Jump to a couple years down the road. Some fucking pencil neck lab nerd deems that this fungus might shrink your balls (or give you balls if you’re a chick), so on to the banned list it goes.

Game over, no taking it anymore. But for those couple of blissful years you were king of the world. All those years you were shooting up that ass fungus you were smoking everyone left and right, but now you’re pedestrian at best. A year or two of this and everyone says you were doping and stopped. You weren’t doping, you just found a sporting advantage.

I’m all for sporting advantages. If we weren’t for sporting advantages we’d all still be riding some fucking rusty ass steel single speed, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer for recovery.

What else can offer a sporting advantage though? There are some cyclists out there that are reported to like the booger sugar. Even though that is illegal in most countries its not on the UCI banned list. So I’d be willing to bet that there are some riders out there running lines to stay amped and stay skinny. Case in point, Tom Boonen. Faced criminal charges, passed out of competition drugs tests. To be fair, it might have been a random thing like he said. Although, his win totals sure as shit dipped when he got off the cheese. Coincidence?

What about laxatives? Wait, wait, hear me out. Ever notice that when you’re about to shit your pants after a night of booze and tasty food, no matter how hungover (or drunk) you still are your fucking body turns in to this perfect machine of speed and agility to get your ass to that toilet.

What about the threat of sex with an ugly, obese person. We’ve all been “hogging” at least one time in our lives (don’t deny, testify!!!), but we usually keep the shit quiet. Now, what if that person was on…eh…let’s say a moped. Not too fast, but keeps a good pace. If they catch you, not only do you have to say you already fucked them, but you have to recreate the night, live, on camera. You all know, when “hogging”, you do some pretty nasty shit because you just don’t give a fuck. You’d pedal like Cancellara peaking for the TdF on adderall, fast as fuck.

Or the converse of that one, put your dream lay at the end of the race and the only way you get to claim your prize is by winning. Maybe second place gets you oral, third place you just get to dry hump the shit out of their leg.

Just some ideas…you never know.