Posts Tagged ‘alberto contador’

Ultimate Athlete Showdown #1

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Ultimate Athlete Showdown #1
Alberto Contador vs Ronnie Coleman

Contador Coleman Advantage
Speed …is faster on a bicycle; a child’s toy. …can move heavy loads very fast. Coleman
Strength …cannot do a bodyweight pull-up. …can deadlift a house. Coleman
Endurance …can ride his bicycle for weeks straight. …is good for up to 5 reps. But those are heavy reps. Coleman
Flexibility …permanently stuck in the riding position. …has a 6″ range of motion. One inch more than Alberto. Coleman
Drugs Clenbuterol, EPO, cow’s blood Clenbuterol, EPO, cow’s blood, protein, creatine, HGH, testosterone, Dianabol, Andirol, Oxandrolone, Masterol, “the clear”, “the cream”, purified fish oil and chocolate milk. Coleman
Drug Intake Spanish cuisine, blood transfusion Needles, milk jugs Coleman
Catch Phrase “Yo hombres mierda!” “LIGHT WEIGHT!!!”, “It’s only a peanut” Coleman
In a Plane Crash …useless sack of bones. …enough meat to go around. Coleman
Body Shape T-Rex Chevy Big Block V12 Coleman

That was easy. Professional cyclists are frail & weak. Ronnie Coleman is a man’s man and a lot of fun at parties. Until next time, consider this:

-Von-

Buck, Griz & Von Legal Services LLC

Posted in dope, Rants on October 6th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

I love that they keep finding new ways to catch dopers. I’m lovin’ it McDonald’s. You know what though, these guys do deserve a fair shake. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? This is fucking getting out of control everybody. Shitty little local newspapers and radio stations are talking about this.

Well, I’m here to go on record to say until there is 100% without a shadow of a doubt conclusive evidence, I say AC is not guilty. NOT GUILTY, PEOPLE!!! But with all of this press I think this can be spun to benefit AC and make him BIGGER THAN LANCE!!!

I’m not a lawyer, but I can be an advisor. So, here’s my top ten defenses to pissing plastic and Clenbuterol.

1. Someone forgot to tell AC that you swallow what’s inside the energy gel packet, not eat the whole packet

2. In an effort to get lighter, he started eating helium balloons

3. When he heard Lance was coming back last year, out of a fit of rage he ate a Livestrong bracelet

4. He’s really Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four

5. He licks his bike for good luck

6. He didn’t know there was Clenbuterol in his EPO syringe

7. Oscar Sevilla said it was OK

8. He got the steak from an Olympic cow

9. He didn’t know the Whizzinator was made of IV bag material

10. He thought Clenbuterol was english for flu shot

11. He licks Fuyu Li for good luck

12. He swallowed a condom (Hey, stop thinking that’s a gay accusation. Maybe he was a drug mule.)

13. His inflatable penile implant ruptured

14. Just like jew hunting, its legal in Kazakhstan (Borat said so)

15. The antidoping control officer accidentally put his coffee stirrer in AC’s urine sample while having his morning croissant

16. He frequently purchases “enlargement” creams unknowingly containing Clenbuterol

17. Some blow-up doll material was still stuck to him after a long night of slow and sensual Spanish love making

18. Greg Lemond offered him a lifetime enrollment in an Omaha Steaks competitor Preakness Placers to congratulate him on his success.

19. He requested the EPO enfused Duck Confit, but they said the Clenbuterol NY strip was all that was available

20. He got a blow job from a french hooker using a dental that was a little too toothy and caused massive abrasions

I’m sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, AC. Let’s get this shit fixed.

-griz-

Apocalypse Contador Redux

Posted in dope on October 1st, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

“But, your Honor, I thought the white powder on that doughnut was powdered sugar not coke.”

Yeah, you or I would be at the least doing community service for months picking up shit on the side of the highway, or on the flip side, strengthening our buttholes and practicing soap holding for time spent at big boy prison because its gonna hurt (dot com).

Yes, I know there’s a big difference between coke and clenbuterol, but the idea is the same. Coke doughnut or doped steak, ignorance of the law does not excuse you from the law.

So what’s next? Whoops I thought that was insulin, not HGH. Sorry. I cut myself shaving last night, that’s why I needed a blood transfusion. My bad.

That’s probably where it really came from, a blood transfusion. Mother fucker smiles when everyone else is grinding their teeth up these hills. He was keeping pace with Rasmussen and that pale skinny fuck was practically sweating a pharmacy.

Athletes are held to a higher standard, as they should be. We all know that cycling has some of the toughest testing around and a guilty until proven innocent mentality, but if that’s what you sign on for that’s what you need to live up to crybabies.

My job fucking sucks, but they regularly drug test. I can’t say, “damn, I thought that was the new USPS postage stamps and not blotter acid.” Boom, fired.

And what about his teammates he shared the steak with? They should be ripshit pissed. He could of cost them their jobs too. If that was me, I’d walk my ass down to Le Whole Foods or whatever the fuck its called in France and save every fucking receipt for the organic, peace loving, hippie, save-a-tree bullshit I bought. Fucking paper trail people.

Take pictures of me buying it, eating it, shiting it. Fuck, for all they know, they were eating a goddamned race horse that couldn’t win a race. They pump them full of that shit.
You know what though, I’ve been feeling a little slow in the hills lately. Let me take a beat down to the Kentucky Derby or the fucking glue factory and pick up a nice fucking t-bone. Hey, if it good enough for AC, then its good enough for me.

Shit, a wink and a thumbs-up would make that last one in to a pretty nice “Horse, its what’s for dinner” ad.

-griz-