The Season is Upon Us

Posted in Rants on March 14th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

The winter where I live has absolutely sucked ass. We had more snowfall than the northern ski areas, literally. Roads were reduced to pinball chutes by the looming walls of snow. So much sand was thrown down that most roads looked like back country packed-dirt driveways. Plus, don’t forget about the frost heaves, a Southern New England staple. These problems though, they’re all solvable by warmer weather. Snow melts, street sweepers pick up the sand, and even frost heaves start to settle back down somewhat. The biggest problem we’re facing are potholes.

There are more potholes around this year than I have seen over the past 3 years combined. The roads around here were never the best paved roads to start with. Hell, there’s even roads around that have more hot patch than true asphalt. Repave ’em? Nah, the DOT has to keep busy between coffee breaks somehow. With some of these potholes big enough to hide a helmet in, I decided to make use of the nice weather we had this past Saturday and reconnoiter some of my favorite roads.

I’ve spent the past couple of years mapping out some routes that are bike friendly. Straight, smooth, few stop signs, and even fewer cracks/potholes are key. So, before I start planning any long rides I wanted to see if my routes were still viable.

Went out, rode, roads look surprisingly good, end of story. Abrupt ending, huh? Well, hold on a second there, killer. I’m two miles from where I parked a guy starts backing out of his driveway with a very large piece of pvc pipe of top of his truck roof. He sees me and stops, but the pipe is sticking out far enough that I needed to give it a little extra space. Seeing this, I slide over two to three feet and seconds later I hear a horn blaring at me. Well, here comes this motherfucker in a Dodge pickup truck swinging past me on the other side of the road to pass me out. And what’s 15 yards ahead of me? A FUCKING STOP SIGN!!! So I decided to let him know how I felt as he was passing me by prominently showing him my left middle finger and yelling “FUCK YOU!!!” I then proceeded to chase him down to pass him out at the stop sign. I wanted to show him my right middle finger and tell him, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!”

Motherfucking cocksucking asshole. I hope he gets cancer of the dick hole and he can’t piss anymore and then he has to get a colostomy bag and he spills it all over himself when he walks in on me eating the dinner his wife cooked for me. Hahaha, fuckin’ asshole.

-griz-

Wicked nut punch

Wicked nut punch

The Weight of Water

Posted in Uncategorized on March 9th, 2011 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment
The last year in training has been bookended by two floods — two biblical, once-in-a-hundered-year floods – the type that sweep away homes and cars (or maybe the type that result in just enough water to seep into a basement to be expensive — I’m still emotional about it). The brilliant bronzed beech hardwoord flooring I had installed in my mancave was destroyed both times. I loved that floor, but nature had other plans. Flood me once, shame on you. Flood me again, well, er, you can’t be flooded again. Or so I thought. 

In the time between the two floods much had transpired in the next room — the modest two car garage converted into home gym. I had been working out and lifting weights with Cheryl for several years — just the two of us. Over that time, one may stop by for a session, have trouble finishing the workout, leave frustrated and never come back. In April that changed — a friend of ours was in need of a mental diversion — he asked to join one of our workouts and we gladly obliged. And so it began — for nearly 35 weeks straight a group assembled to lift, throw, push and pull, jump, run, squat and lunge. I think the neighbors were as much entertained as they were confused. Afterwards we would¬†barbecue¬†and empty kegs of homebrew. This was not a bad way to spend a summer.

As the days grew shorter and the temperature colder, attendance fell out, but a few core members stuck around — those being the other two ABG authors, Buck and Griz. You see, these group sessions were a catalyst for bigger change. Around September I started to take everything more seriously. I stopped drinking beer after training, dialed in my diet and shifted the workouts away from the 500-rep “grab bag” style sessions to focused, simplified movements with ramped up weight and intensity. Soon after the other two followed. Beer and pizza was replaced with protein and fish oil. We fed off each other and the change has been profound. In a few short months of dedicated training, everyone is deadlifting over 2x bodyweight and I’m 15lbs away from 3x. Griz owns every rowing record in the gym and most of the overhead lifting records, too. Perhaps the most important shift from all has been the gains in mental strength: this winter sucked horribly, and yet we trained in my cold garage 4 to 5 times a week despite the conditions. There was no compromise and now we’re reaping the rewards. Griz has discovered a love for weight training; Buck has lifted loads in weeks that took me years to pull, and I’m able to look at the concrete floors of my once beautiful mancave and know that this will be alright because “things” can be replaced and I’m still able to train another day — clarity discovered under the weight of the bar.

 

 

 

Basic MANtenance to Combat Vaginitis

Posted in Rants on March 9th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment
Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

I hafta thank Von for coercing me, like a high school football jock trying to talk the math class nerd girl in to a hand job, in to training at his place this off season. Before I delve in to this topic a bit further, let me step back for just a second here to fill you in as to why I chose this for my off-season training.

I have always viewed myself as a cyclist first and foremost. I feel I’m a pretty good cyclist, I routinely ride solo 100+ mile rides, I ride better than guys that are lighter and more experienced than I am, and people seem to recognize that I’m good because I’m always getting asked for advice. The thing I feel that has always kept me progressing with my riding abilities is that I always try to find a way to make a ride hard. Sometimes its riding with people who are better than I am. Other times its riding in the hills, which I absolutely hate. Whatever I do though, I always try and find a way to up the difficulty, even if only a little bit. You always need to find ways to challenge yourself to get better.

So, in steps Von telling me that if I’m looking for a real challenge I should show up and try some of his workouts. So out of curiosity, I rode my bike out to his house to check out one of their “sessions”. Lifting weights, jumping over shit, running, jumping on top of shit, dragging this, flipping that. It looked hard, but I LOVE a challenge. So I showed up the following Thursday, and had my ass handed to me, as I expected (I still feel this workout was custom tailored to fuck me). I just couldn’t believe how badly I had my ass handed to me. Fucking challenge? This was straight up misery.

Well, next week I was ready to go, and wouldn’t ya know, I got my ass handed to me again. And the same with the week after that, but for one exception, the rower. We were doing a workout that involved doing a 500 meter row as a station, and I knew going in to this that Buck (our other partner in crime here) had rowed a time that I felt I should beat, that I felt I better beat. Well, sure as shit I beat it, but I still got my ass handed to me for the overall workout.

That row time though was a little light at the end of the tunnel for me. So, we decided to set up a formal 500 meter timing session. This time around, well, I took the gym record. Boom, hooked. That’s all it took, just a small victory.

A couple more workouts go by, and I can notice that I’m getting better. This put us well in to Fall now so less and less people were showing up. Why? Cold, snow, lazy, a new CBS show involving crime and cops, who knows? Honestly, I don’t know why anyone would turn down this free handout. So Von, Buck, and I decided to keep doing what we’ve been doing no matter how cold or snowed in, but also add in a healthy dose of core lifts (deadlift, squat, press, bench, power clean, etc.)

Its March now and the rest is history. We’ve been putting in 4 to 5 days a week lifting and doing high intensity training. Shit, Wednesday is even the designated bench press day. Now I know you’re thinking, “bench pressing isn’t going to help you ride better.” No, its gonna help me BE better. This is what we call MANtenance. Yes, you read it right, MANtenance.

There’s a severe lack of MANtenance going on out there. MANtenance is the all encompassing need to rid the body of Vaginitis (gotta give Mandler @ marchmanstrength.com props for the use of “Vaginitis”). Ladies, this applies to you too as Vaginitis has been clinically proven in a fictitious University’s double blind study to cause more painful than normal menstrual cycles. So listen up. Ridding the body of Vaginitis is done by:
A. Lifting heavy ass weights – pink dumbbells and 1/4 squats don’t count
B. Dealing with the pain of finishing strong while training – finish what ya fucking start
C. Not wearing hair gel – stupid looking
D. Not listening to dubstep – scientifically proven to make you weak
E. Eating dead animal muscle – What do Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddy Merckx have in common? They kicked ass and they weren’t vegan.
F. Wear suspenders – they look cool, on women too
G. Stop shaving – preferably men only (side note – ladies, “shaved” is out of style)

You’ll know when the Vaginitis is leaving you’re body from after training symptoms such as:
A. Nausea
B. Redness of the skin
C. Lightheadedness
D. Vomitting (in extreme cases)
E. The urge to urinate on tattoo t-shirts

I can speak from first hand experience and I’m trying to save you. I used to ride the trainer a lot (bike trainer, get your mind out of the gutter). This made me good at cycling, but fundamentally weak everywhere else. I couldn’t deadlift two times my own body weight. Pathetic. Quit your bitching that this will make you heavy and bulky cuz it won’t. Eating a lot will make you heavy and bulky. Since we’ve been doing all of this training all of my strength and endurance numbers have gone up while my weight has gone down. Its as simple as that. So, if you call it product instead of hair gel, wish you could fist pump with the best of ’em, or think a kettlebell is what you ring when your roommate brings home a “grenade”, act quick. Go get some weights NOW because it sounds like you have an extreme case of Vaginitis. I’m not telling you to stop riding, but three kettlebells are all you need to get started ridding your body of Vaginitis and start on the path to high level MANtenance.

-griz-

P.S. Props again to marchmanstrength.com for originally discovering “vaginitis”, maybe this world can be saved.

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

Girls Who I Would Love to Draft Behind

Posted in Girls Who I Would Love To Draft Behind on March 7th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

Does anyone remember the TV show Blossom? Yeah that one with Joey Lawrence. Well, if you watched that show you most likely remember Blossom’s friend Six. Why the name “Six”? Who cares, cuz she grown up and looks like she could outkick Cav in a sprint.

Sprinters legs!!!

Sprinters legs!!!

Today’s Bullshit Headline

Posted in Today's Bullshit Headline on March 2nd, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

BREAKING NEWS:

Mario Cipolini dies from freak chest shaving accident, last words were, “its…not…smooth enough.”

More to follow…

-griz-

Girls Who I Would Love To Draft Behind

Posted in Girls Who I Would Love To Draft Behind on March 1st, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I’m getting a little sick and tired of following dudes asses in pace lines. So I’m starting “Girls Who I Would Love To Draft Behind” because I can dream can’t I?

Who better to start this off than Sofia Vergara of Modern Family fame. Hot accent? Check! Smokin’ body? Check? Rides a bike? Who the fuck cares, I’d teach her.

That would fill out some bib tights nicely.

That would fill out some bib tights nicely.

Bikes & Beer

Posted in Reviews on March 1st, 2011 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Bikes & beer go together. Here are a few reviews of my favorite post-ride beers:

Budweiser Select 55

The clearest beer on the planet – pristine & true. I can taste the fine malted barley and fresh hops. After a long bike ride I could easily drink a keg of this stuff. Not only would it be refreshing, but it would also replenish my lost electrolytes. I want something light after working out. It’s easy for brewers to hide mistakes in the sludge-like consistency of an imperial stout, but there is no room to hide anything in Bud Select 55. Luckily there are no mistakes. It’s perfect. Gulpable all day long.

Appearence:
Beautiful & golden.

Smell:
Smells like I’m standing over a kettle of boiling wort. Delicious.

Taste:
Hints of biscuit and passion fruit. Toffee.

Mouthfeel:
Smooth like teflon. Like drinking marshmellow flush warmed in the microwave. Slides right down my beer hole.

Drinkability:
Like I said, I could drink this by the keg. I’m going to be using Bud Select 55 instead of water on some of my longer endurance rides this spring.

Hell Or High Watermelon Wheat

My favorite beer from my time spent in San Francisco.

I would ride to the brewery at lunch to enjoy a few — always served with a slice of watermelon. Can’t say I got much done those days.

Other times I’d pick up a growler to share with friends. Ten extra pounds of awkward weight on my bicycle, climbing steep San Francisco streets, meant that I had to earn this brew. Ever climb an 18% grade hill with 2 growlers on your back? I assure you it makes the beer taste that much better.

This is the best watermelon ale out there — the flavor doesn’t taste contrived. Hooker and Opa’s watermelon ales taste a bit too artificial for my liking; a little too heavy on the extract. 21A gets it right.

Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus

You just burned a couple thousand calories on the bike. Why put them back on with a surly stout or pretentious porter? This beer is neither. Michelob makes honest, quality beers for hard working Americans. The Ultra Lime Cactus is definitely their pinnacle brew; a true epiphany in a bottle. Even tastier than the Pom Wheat. Keeping with the theme of simplicity and American pride, the bottle is twist-off which makes it even easier to quaff post-ride. My hands are sensitive and tender after a long excursion on the bicycle; I’m told Michelob’s caps are tightened to a precise 2.8n/m which makes them easy to twist off, but ensures maximum oxygen barrier capacity. No detail is ignored. Step back and take a good look: From the light blocking clear bottles to the Neuvo-Americano label design, the true treasure is all around — not just in the brew. The Ultra Lime Cactus (or ULC as I call it) is an experience not to be rushed.

Michelob Ultra Pomegranate Raspberry

I used to be into big beers… but my palate has changed over the years. Now I enjoy light, refreshing fruit beers. Especially after a long bike ride.

This brew is delicious! I’ll be drinking many more this summer. It’s just as tasty as other fruit beers, but not as heavy!

Who is Griz?

Posted in Who Is Griz on February 28th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I think it should be legal to beat the shit out of any driver (male or female) if (a) they at the very least cause you to have to brake hard enough to slide your tires, and (b) you can catch them.
-griz-

I Hate Cold Weather

Posted in Rants on February 25th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment
Andy Hampsten is a bad mofo.

Andy Hampsten is a bad mofo.

This shit fuck weather here in New England needs to end soon. Von, Buck, and I have been lifting, HIITing, metconing, complexing, eating, shitting, sleeping. No riding though. Fucking snow!!!

The roads around here look like dirt paths with giant fucking craters and frost heaves. Plus, some of the snow piles are so tall that you can’t see around corners. Wicked safe. Thanks snow plows.

Now, I know that all the training is good for the season, but we’re all starting to lose it a bit. Buck and I have been out on the road once, and the wind chill was so bad I honestly thought I was gonna lose my finger tips. They were so numb I couldn’t feel the shifters. And, yes, I was wearing gloves. I’ve rode in colder, but it was the wind that made it unbearable. “Oh, but Griz, if you loved riding you’d be out no matter what.” Well, you know what I say? I love my finger tips more and go fuck your garbage disposal. For those of you that understand and agree with me I hope you win the lotto or finally get to bang that model you’ve been dreaming of. Ya know what? Fuck it. I hope ya’ll get both.

All I wanna do is ride right now. I love lifting, but riding calms me down. For example: I was walking around the grocery store the other day and I noticed that I was swearing, and not under my breath like usual, but out loud. Everyone and everything there was pissing me off. I hafta get out on the bike and burn some steam off or someone might get beaten with a pumpernickle rye next time.

-griz-

Seen while riding

Posted in Seen while riding on February 17th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

A bottle of Henny, Cool Water cologne, and an empty diaper. Party?