Rants

Why Bother?

Posted in Rants on February 14th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

Upon reading Buck’s previous article, it got me thinking, “why bother?”

Why bother lifting?

My left shoulder was broken and never rehabed properly. My L5 is fractured and looks more like little pebbles on an x-ray than looks like a vertebra. I shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy, over my head or on my back. I won’t set any records.

Why bother riding?

Damn there’s a lot of good tv on right now, and riding till sunset takes up a ton of time. Then I have to eat, then shower, then get ready for work. Maybe I need to cut back, or cut out riding. I won’t ever ride professionally.

Why bother eating healthy?

Burger King tastes so fucking good. Buffalo wings taste so fucking good. Protein powder tastes like shit. Water isn’t Coca-cola. I could go for a huge plate of angel hair pasta with a lemon cream sauce and parmesan breaded chicken cutlets. So what if I get chubby.

Why bother training at all?

I’m old. I’m sore. I want to sit around and veg. There’s a new video game out. Blah blah blah.

Why bother?

I do about 99% of my miles by myself. I don’t go to the beach and walk around flexing. I don’t go to bars to meet single ladies.

I do all this because if you don’t push yourself to extremes, if you don’t test yourself, why bother being alive?

-griz-

You know you want it, and you know you want me to give it to you

Posted in Rants on January 15th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

Let me go on record as saying that I’m not going to write about what my new years resolution(s) is(are) because I know you don’t care, and I already started on mine when the cycling season ended.   Nope, this is not about me.   This is all about you, because, “Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” (Thank-you Fight Club)   I’m going to tell you what your resolutions should be.   If you ride a bike and have already made resolutions, throw ’em out the fucking window……aaaaaaand away we go!!!

1. You resolve to lift some fucking weights.

– So what if you can go up the hills fast if you break a sweat lifting your bike to mount it on your bike rack.

I bet he's pretty light going up hills too.

2. You resolve to learn to fucking shift properly.

– You can’t shift properly under a load.   That’s why you drop your chain more than a white trash meth head drops to her knees.

This could be you.

3. You resolve to incorporate some fucking training rides.

– “But I don’t have a fancy bike computer that will stop time at a finish line,” you say.   Buy a dirt cheap bike comp, find a telephone pole to finish at, and press stop when you get there.

This doesnt count, this is one step above disco bowling.

4. You resolve to stop making pussy ass excuses.

–  “But my training times won’t be right because there’s stop signs and stop lights that I’ll hit along the way,” you say.   Those are called handicaps, you know, like in golf or bowling.   Don’t be handicapped, be handicapable, crybaby.

These guys aren't complaining, think of that next time you dont ride.

5. You resolve to acknowledge that your lack of performance isn’t due to too little gel/electrolyte/protein intake.

– You don’t need to eat anything when you’re going 20 miles @ 17 mph.  Shit, you barely need to drink.

If you need this to complete a shop ride, stop riding.

6. You resolve to economize your time.

– Do you really need to watch more reality TV, the shitty predictable sitcom, or that movie you’ve seen 5 times already?  Train, eat, relax, and get more sleep.

Carbo-loading and above knee jean shorts are unswole.

7. You resolve to not be middle ground.

– Tops of the B-group don’t mean shit.   You might not be the best climber anymore once you’re in the A-group, but you might be able to drop a little pain on ’em in the flats.   But how the fuck would you know, you’re to afraid to step up.

These guys are stepping up...behind each other, but stepping up none the less.

8. You resolve to experience pain.

– There are soldiers in Afghanistan fighting in 100+ degree weather.  Aron Ralston cut his arm off to stay alive (go see 127 Hours).  Lindsey Lohan is going sober (maybe that doesn’t count).  The little bit of lactic acid burn in your legs doesn’t mean shit.  Fight through it.

Jens Voigt, the toughest mofo out there, knows pain.

9. You resolve to listen to heavy metal or any of its many sub-genres (as long as it’s up tempo).

– Your college alt rock ain’t cutting it because you have the aggression of a fucking Care Bear.

Weak.

10. You resolve to not please everyone.

– Me first, you second.   That’s your new motherfucking mantra.   That person might be faster than you, but don’t give it to ’em.   Make ’em hurt for every mile you can, and smile the whole time.

Fuck Heath Ledger.

Now go run with it.

-griz-

Road biking? It doesn’t interest me really…

Posted in Rants on December 10th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

I don’t read the articles that Buck and Griz send out. I don’t know most of the names they toss around. I don’t pay attention to the results or know the history of the races. I don’t care about the rivalries or the controversies or the latest news.

The reason is simple. Male road cyclists have stopped resembling actual men. The sport is overcome with riders who take pride in their pear shaped bodies — incapable of passing grade school fitness tests; the very thought of lifting one’s own body weight a foreign concept. The lack of television coverage is not surprising. If I wanted to watch women compete I’d tune into a WNBA game. As much as it hurts me to admit this, there still exists a faint sense of masculinity as they drive for the hole. Frail and fledging roadies “pushing the big ring” or “throwing down the hammer”? Not so much.

Mario Cipollini may be the only voice of reason within the professional ranks. I like this guy. He looks like a mix between House and Wolverine.


“Machismo is disappearing, I can’t find it in Contador,” he complained. “Contador has the anonymous face of a surveyor or an accountant.”

“I read an interview with Umberto Veronesi, a scientist, a reputed oncologist and Minister for Health,” Cipollini continued. “In five hundred years or more, human beings might have both sets of genitalia, male and female. I don’t want this evolution to have started already in cycling…”

Perhaps it’s not a long shot to consider that road cyclists inject testosterone because their bodies have long since stopped producing it. The performance enhancing effects are moot when you’re grasping to maintain your gender identity.

Moving on, the practice of men shaving their legs is so absurd I will not go into much detail.

“But, the wind …” bitch.
“But, pros do i…” bitch.
“But, It makes m..” bitch.

You’re a fucking bitch.

Continuing on that topic, where are all of the beards? Why are road cyclist always so hairless and clean?

Twink:

A term often used to describe a youthful homosexual male, who is smooth-bodied, only slightly-muscular, with little or no body hair, and has a semi-athletic build. From “twinkie” (as in Hostess twinkie)- soft and full of cream.

Speed and strength are not mutually exclusive. Denying one’s very manhood for the perceived performance benefits (or, worse yet, to find alignment with the current homo-centric trends in cycling) is a crime against nature and self.

Playing the odds, you will not become a professional cyclist. You will not make any money doing this. You will soon be a 40 year old business analyst sitting at a desk. And you will be weak. Had you grown a beard, lifted some weight, and toughened the fuck up when you were 25 this wouldn’t a be a problem. There was no reason (aside from your faulty logic and misguided beliefs) you couldn’t be both strong and fast. But now your neighbor intimidates you and hire movers when it’s time to move into your next home, pink walls to appease your wife.

Why Aren’t We a World Superpower Anymore?

Posted in Rants on November 2nd, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

One of the first huge milestones that you hit as a child is riding a bike for the first time without training wheels. Now, you might say, what about walking, talking, or being able to get to the shitter in time? The problem with those are simple, there isn’t much consequence or pain to failing at them.

You try and walk and you fall. What’s that, maybe a half foot drop at the most? You might not start talking as fast as other kids, but that doesn’t matter because you still get what you need without being able to ask for it; food, diapers, nap, etc. You try and make it to the bathroom in time, but you don’t fully realize yet what that strange pressure is in your lower regions and you piss or shit yourself. Who cares because your still wearing a diaper.

Riding a bike without training wheels is the first big milestone because the safety net is gone. It takes “balls” to jump at that kind of risk. Before that, what kind of risk did you have going for you? What you might not get put in front of the TV in time for your favorite cartoon? Jumping on that bike means that you have consciously decided to take a known risk. There aren’t any wheels to hold you up if you tip too far to the left or right. You are going to fall, and not just half a foot. You aren’t going to get a boo-boo, you are going to get a scrape. You can say “no” and walk away, but you keep getting back on.

I can still remember my first bike, a black & chrome Huffy. It was too big for me, but my parents weren’t rich so they were hoping I’d get a couple of years out of it. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All I knew is that it was cool looking and I couldn’t wait to get on it. Problem was, I didn’t know how to ride and I wasn’t given training wheels either. I was told if I was going to ride a bike I was going to ride a bike, not a trike.

Long story short, after some scraped palms, knees, and elbows I was out riding. My friends and I quickly started extending our rides because the neighborhood just wasn’t enough. A couple miles to Roy Rogers to get a burger, a couple more miles to Carvel for some ice cream, out in to the woods to ride on the dirt bike tracks. We rode everywhere with a house key in one sock, some cash in the other, no helmets, and our parents had no idea where we were. Home before the street lights came on was all that mattered.

Kids to day though? Shit, I’ve met tougher pure bred show cats. I used to work at a bike shop and I saw it all. These oh-my-child-is-so-precious parents would have so much protective gear on their idiot kids that they looked like they’re were wearing one of those big ass safety suits that they wear when training police dogs to attack. I still have some scars from crashing when I was a kid. It was cool. Hey, my scar is bigger than yours. You’d compare them. What are these kids comparing now? Elbow pads? Amount of rest time before riding a bike after lunch? We’re going to have almost a whole decade’s worth of pussies coming along.

They were all birthed in the late 80’s and 90’s. Mid 80’s and previous? Fuckin’ A, you’re coming with me when World War III starts. “Huh, wha? You were born in the late 80’s to mid 90’s? Get the fuck outta my fox hole, there’s no ADHD meds or hair gel allowed in here pussy.” Yeah, yeah, there’s always expectations to the rule, and I’ve seen them. I’ve seen a hell of a lot more of the rule though.

If you were to go on to a bike manufacturer’s website today and look at the sizes of bikes for kids you’d see there’s just about a new size for every two to three years of growth. How about this, raise the seat and handlebars instead of getting a new bike every year. A lot of these sizes overlap and most of the time the kids aren’t sized to them correctly, nor do they care. Get a bike they can beat the shit out of, that’s all they’re going to do until the get older. You just need to get them out the door, on a bike, and off your titty.

Another one of these oh-my-child-is-so-precious parents came in one time with a recently purchased bike complaining that the training wheels weren’t working correctly. I took the bike and looked at it. Everything was installed and functioning properly so I asked what problem she or her son were experiencing. She said that the training wheels weren’t low enough and that they were allowing the bike to tip side-to-side. I then explained to her that the idea of training wheels is that they aren’t supposed to be in constant contact with the ground, only to help if the rider tilts too far to the left or right. She said she didn’t care and she wanted the training wheels to touch the ground along with the rear tire.

Lady, why don’t you stuff your kid back up in that wrinkled snatch of yours if you want to protect him that much. You should of just bought him a trike and told him to wear a helmet for the rest of his life. There are way too many kids out there still on training wheels. What’s next? Don’t lick wallpaper? Stop sniffing paint fumes?

Your kids have to crash. Your kids have to fall down and get back up. Stop helping them all of the time because they aren’t learning to be tough. Stop with the hand out(s). I don’t want these pussies running the country in the next couple of years. Its bad enough that you can be fat and out of shape and get free health care. I don’t think the fact that I stay in shape should benefit your kid who’s going to need to see a shrink every week and wants to get their stomach stapled to get skinny. All they’re going to do is cry that they think universal health care is the solution.

Fuck that and fuck-you. Not on my tax dollars, and not on my sweat. You know what? Fuck your feelings too. Feelings are overrated. Push them down inside and then go outside and take it out on the bike. Pedal like you want to snap the pedals off. It might be too late for you, but your kids still might be able to grow a fucking set.

-griz-

Tag: rant

Revenge is a dish best served in the middle of the road

Posted in Rants on October 26th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

One of my favorite cycling phrases is “you fucking cunt”. I use it at least once every ride. And, no ladies, I don’t just yell it at females, I yell it at everything. Men, women, animals, potholes, school busses, everything.

Sometimes it’ll become, “fuck-you you fucking cunt”, or “oh, you fucking dirty cunt”, or one of my favorites “fuck-you, you fucking cocksucking cunt”. The F2YF2C is reserved for those special occasions. Occasions like when this fucking old bitch, not only cut me off, but stared straight at me the whole time. “Fuck-you, you fucking cocksucking cunt”. By the time I got back up to speed I couldn’t chase her down. Oh the one that got away.

Fucking motorists tend to forget or just don’t even realize how fast you can actually go on a road bike. They also don’t understand the rules of the road, and that’s why I get pissed and have retaliated. Yes, sweet sweet retaliation.

The best ones are when they think they’re being oh-so fucking clever by passing you out and almost hitting you or riding your ass and almost hitting you, but then they get stuck at a stop light with you. Coincidentally, I have two stories about that.

I was 75 miles in to what would become a 110 mile ride. I’m on the shoulder of a four lane road (two north, two south) and I hear this wicked loud and lifted truck coming along. My first thought was, “this guy’s gonna buzz me.” Wouldn’t you know it, I was wrong. The dude swung over in to the next lane to give me room. Cool, right? So, seconds later after he swings over this dumb cunt comes flying up the road trying to beat him to the spot where the two lanes converge in to one. Well, needless to say, she came within inches of hitting both of us. He laid on his horn, but I doubt she cared. As luck would have it though, the light ahead just turned red and she got stuck at it. I’ve been through this light before and knew I had about 30 seconds before she would get the green. I grabbed my bottle and took a little swig, just enough to wet the inside of my mouth. Next, I proceeded to hawk up the biggest red Gatorade tinted mucus ball I could and spit it right on her rear passenger window as I passed her in hopes that it would be nicely wind smeared and crusty by the time she found it. The dude in the truck started screaming “YEAH” and honking his horn. Glad I could make someones day a little better.

Another time I was descending a hill in my town when I noticed that a guy in a grey Ford Exploder was right on my wheel like he was fucking drafting off of me. Now, this hill I was coming down is decently steep so I’m doing at the very least the speed limit. It’s also twisty with rough shoulders so I tend to move a little ways away from the curb (my state’s law says that I can be in the middle of the lane if I need to) in case there is something around a blind corner. Well, I’m trucking along, but this cocksucking asshole is right on me, plus he has a kid in the fucking car with him. Next thing you know, he starts flashing his lights and revving his engine behind me, but the fucker won’t pass me. I finally come up to a right hand turn so I put my arm up to signal that I’m turning and act like I’m making the turn and the guy finally blows past me. At this point I could see that the light at the bottom of the hill was green for a while, so I took my chances that he’d be stuck at the red light and decided to chase after him. Wouldn’t you know it, there he is stuck at the red light and with it being a such a spectacular summer day I happen to notice that he has his windows rolled down. Well, I got right up next to him and said, “Hey you fucking asshole, I have the right-of-way,” and then looked at the kid and said, “Your dad’s a faggot.” Maybe the kid will grow up smarter now, who knows?

-griz-

Buck’s Top 7 Predictions for 2011

Posted in Rants on October 20th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

1) Alberto Contador receives a 1-year ban but has no trouble picking up a team after his suspension ends. He will not retire nor will he pursue a drawn out court battle which will only lengthen the time it takes to return to the bike.

2) Ivan Basso wins the Tour de France. His main competitor, Andy Schleck, will succumb to the same fate that Bradley Wiggins did on the transition to team Sky. Ted King, who weaseled his way into another ProTour contract, will again have no results and a shitty VeloNews blog.

3) Jeremy Powers wins the US National Cyclocross title (I guess this will still be 2010). No one is attacking off the line like Powers and after last year’s disappointment I think he is ready to make this happen.

4) Lance races the Tour Down Under but nothing else. The investigation will be too deep at that point. It will still take 3 to 4 years for anything to hit the courts, though.

5) Tom Danielson will finally get to race the Tour. He will place 4th.

6) Mountain biking will continue to be a superior cycling discipline compared to road biking but still no one will care about professional racing.

7) I regain my form as the “Best Climber in Glastonbury” and will prove my superiority on the epic steeps of Old Maids Lane once again. No woman join the group ride for the 6th straight year. Giovanni’s will name a pizza slice after me called the “Big Ring Beef n’ Cheese”.

I like big butts and I cannot lie

Posted in Rants on October 14th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

There is a severe lack of women on road bikes. Now, I’m not talking about professional, because most of them look like dudes. Just some cyclist chicks looking to shop ride. There needs to be a serious influx of lycra covered titties soon.

There’s way too many dudes riding and some of these dorks wear shit so tight that if you’re unlucky enough to get stuck behind them in a pace line you see their ass crack through their shorts. I want a couple of girls making that mistake.

On top of that, with the fucking prison mentality that’s set in, on a scale of 1 to 10 I’d take a 5. YES, A MOTHERFUCKING 5!!! C’mon ladies, come on down. As long as you’re in decent shape it’ll work.

I’m not saying I’m going to jump off my bike and start slinging cock, far from it. I just need a goddamn change from dudes walking around like a fucking 80’s jazzercise video.

I ride faster when chicks are around. Its that male show off/pride thing. Lower that zipper a little bit and I’ll gain about a whole mph on my average. This is a performance thing too, shit, hook a brother up.

-griz-

My 2011 Predictions

Posted in Rants on October 14th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Yeah, I know there is still racing going on, but its boring racing. So its time for some predictions for next year. I already predicted that Michael Rogers was going to be a major race GC flop, and bam, the next days article on a prominent cycling website is an interview where he says he’s only going to concentrate on week long stage races. Yeah, BORING.

1. Farrar has an even more lack luster year due to Thor’s signing
– Farrar should be pissed because JV didn’t even lube it up before ramming it home. Saying Farrar is faster on the flats and that Thor is more of a classics/power sprinter is fucking smoke. JV needs to sack up and say that they need better big race exposure for the sponsors and they have no legit GC guy. Seconds and thirds just don’t cut it for the big ass sponsors they have.

2. Contador gets slapped with a 2 year ban
– Its going to happen. It has to happen. The story has become too big and he’s taken some glancing shots at L’Equipe, the UCI, and WADA. There’s only one guy who has done that and gotten away with that, Lance. Although, the jury is still out on that one.

3. Lance races Cali and Colorado
– He’s played a major role in getting both races started. The AToC organizers have already hinted at it, and he said publicly that he loved racing in Colorado. More so, I think the dude doesn’t want to end his career like he did at the TdF, but he doesn’t have the legs for it anymore

4. Taylor Phinney places higher in the TdF than Cadel Evans
– I’m really going out on a limb here, but I think Cadel is shot. I know this would be TP’s first TdF, but BMC doesn’t really have any good climbers (that’s why they brought in Sciandri as a scout) and they need a better showing than what they pulled last year

5. Janez Brajkovic has a huge year for Radioshack
– Radioshack doesn’t have any legit GC guys for the TdF. Horner, Levi, and Kloden are all good riders, but they don’t have that attack/counter-attack acceleration anymore. His accelerations at the Dauphine force AC to turn to the PEDs and he got his test run in last year as a wind screen for Lance at the TdF.

6. Boonen still can’t win a big race
– I think his fear of fucking up his knee and the lack of a solid lead out have screwed him. He can’t come off a wheel for a win like Cav now or Mcewen in his prime.

7. Cancellara repeats as Paris-Roubaix champion
– The dude is a goddamn freight train on the cobbles. Who is going to challenge him? Boonen, Thor, Farrar, Hoste, Ballan, Hincapie, Flecha, Freire? SHELLS I TELL YOU, SHELLS OF THE MAN KNOWN AS SPARTICUS!!!

8. The Bradley Wiggins downfall continues
– It has nothing to do with Sky, it has everything to do with Wiggins. Vaughters must be giggling like a turtlenecked schoolboy now that the truth has shown like a light on the fact that Wiggins did well in a real weak TdF field that year.

9. HTC-Highroad brings on a big sponsor to replace Colombia and resigns Cav
– When you think of that team who is the first guy you think of? Yup, Cav is the answer. They’ve got other good guys on that team, but Cav is snappin’ necks and cashin’ checks. Without Cav they’re not getting another big sponsor.

10. Cav wins the TdF green jersey
– Yeah, I like Cav, fuck off. Think about it though, if he didn’t crash in last year he would of won the green jersey. Look at how close he was in points. He’s the fastest guy on wheels is those last couple of meters and he’s becoming more consistent over the mountains where you can’t miss the cut, but want to conserve as much as possible. Case in point, name me the last guy to have back to back Champs Elysees wins.

11. Andy wins the TdF yellow jersey
– I know that if they find Contador guilty he will of won it this year, but I’m talking about victory laps, champagne, speeches, the whole nine yards. The new focus on the TdF without having to waste guys to protect other riders (Cancellara & Saxo Bank) is key.

12. People still don’t care about the polka dot jersey, but the french keep chasing it down because its the only jersey they can win
– Don’t hold your breath thinking that a frenchman is going to win the green or yellow because you’ll end up dead (or at least passed out for a while). “Oooo, look at me I can climb, I’m the mountains leeeeeeeeader.” No, you’re not, if you could climb you would be a GC contender. Go take a shower and your food sucks.

13. The new aussie team doesn’t get any big wins
– Eh…yeah…they’re going to suck, NEXT

14. Nothing more comes of the Floyd/Lance bullshit
– I think that there is just a straight up lack of solid concrete evidence. Floyd just had a vendetta and needed money. Why else would he of filed paperwork under the whistleblower act. He’s a scumbag. Took peoples money and swore he didn’t dope. Asshole.

15. Robert Gesink and Andy Schlek learn how to TT
– Take a look at the TdF. Definitely not as bad as Rasmussen because the was the biggest sports choke ever, but Andy and Gesink TT like they’re sitting on a seat post without a seat on it. I’ve seen better aero positions on beach cruisers.

-griz-

The Floyd Fingerblastedyou Fund

Posted in dope, Rants on October 11th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Floyd Landis says he vows to pay back everyone that contributed to the Floyd Fairness Fund. I fucked a girl one time that I vowed to call the next day. I think she still might be waiting by the phone.

Floyd did the same thing, but on one hell of a bigger scale. Its like he walked in to the bar full of suckers and said “hey, I’m a TdF winner and I’m clean,” took them back to their place (because you never let them know where you live), “accidentally” slipped it in their ass and blamed it on the whiskey, took off while they were sleeping, and called back a couple years later and said, “hey…um…I’ve tested positive, but…uh…well…I was clean when ya let me raw dog ya, but…eh…ya still might wanna get tested. I’m sorry though. I’ll make it up ta ya eventually.”

A buddy hooks me up with a sixer, I can get them back next week. If someone loans me a million plus that’s a different story. Might take a couple years seeing as I’m not rich or have rich friends. On the other hand, I might just learn spanish and get the fuck outta dodge.

Personally, I think Floyd should start hustling local shop rides. He’s been out of the lime light so long that people probably wouldn’t recognize him. Plus, he’s been going for the hobo look lately so that would make it even tougher to figure out who it was. He could rake in tens of dollars a day!!! And, the cherry on top, he could dope all he wants because there isn’t any of that pussy ass testing at shop rides.

Remember that solo ride he took off on that lead to his TdF win? Man, imagine a doped to the gills Floyd lapping you at your weekly shop ride. Shit, I’d pay 10 bucks for that. Maybe even buy him a slice and a beer. It would be like those porno movies where the guy pays some ‘roided out girl to beat the shit out of him or some fat ass girl to sit on his face and smother him. You’d essentially be paying for some masochistic bike ride ass whoopin’.

What about just straight up selling his blood? Now, I know that it would only be limited to people with that blood type, but what a post-ride add on that would be. He could jump off his bike and scream, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!” Next thing you know, he’s whipped out a plastic cooler filled with bags of blood. Shit, for a couple bucks more he could sign the bag and take a picture with you holding it up and smiling. A couple years of that, shit, he’ll be straight ballin’.

-griz-

Legalize It

Posted in dope, Rants on October 7th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Buck and I had an interesting conversation last night. He believes that doping should be allowed where I think it should definitely be banned.

If you allow pros to openly dope next up is endorsements. After that you’ve got ‘roided out teens looking like they’re in their late 20’s with tiny nuts (or hairy tits) and abnormally large hearts trying to pump molasses for blood. Shit, I’ve known people that used recreational performance enhancing drugs. They weren’t even fucking competing as amateurs. What do you think will happen to kids that’s think they can become pros?

Don’t get me wrong I think almost every pro cyclist dopes, but if you use something that isn’t on the banned substance list does that make it doping? What if they found some fungus that grows in the ass of some animals way up some mountain somewhere? I doubt the UCI has high altitude animal ass fungus on their banned list right now. One day they might, but as of right now they don’t.

So you start main lining this fungus and, kaapow, you barely have to breathe going up a 20% grade. Jump to a couple years down the road. Some fucking pencil neck lab nerd deems that this fungus might shrink your balls (or give you balls if you’re a chick), so on to the banned list it goes.

Game over, no taking it anymore. But for those couple of blissful years you were king of the world. All those years you were shooting up that ass fungus you were smoking everyone left and right, but now you’re pedestrian at best. A year or two of this and everyone says you were doping and stopped. You weren’t doping, you just found a sporting advantage.

I’m all for sporting advantages. If we weren’t for sporting advantages we’d all still be riding some fucking rusty ass steel single speed, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer for recovery.

What else can offer a sporting advantage though? There are some cyclists out there that are reported to like the booger sugar. Even though that is illegal in most countries its not on the UCI banned list. So I’d be willing to bet that there are some riders out there running lines to stay amped and stay skinny. Case in point, Tom Boonen. Faced criminal charges, passed out of competition drugs tests. To be fair, it might have been a random thing like he said. Although, his win totals sure as shit dipped when he got off the cheese. Coincidence?

What about laxatives? Wait, wait, hear me out. Ever notice that when you’re about to shit your pants after a night of booze and tasty food, no matter how hungover (or drunk) you still are your fucking body turns in to this perfect machine of speed and agility to get your ass to that toilet.

What about the threat of sex with an ugly, obese person. We’ve all been “hogging” at least one time in our lives (don’t deny, testify!!!), but we usually keep the shit quiet. Now, what if that person was on…eh…let’s say a moped. Not too fast, but keeps a good pace. If they catch you, not only do you have to say you already fucked them, but you have to recreate the night, live, on camera. You all know, when “hogging”, you do some pretty nasty shit because you just don’t give a fuck. You’d pedal like Cancellara peaking for the TdF on adderall, fast as fuck.

Or the converse of that one, put your dream lay at the end of the race and the only way you get to claim your prize is by winning. Maybe second place gets you oral, third place you just get to dry hump the shit out of their leg.

Just some ideas…you never know.

-griz-