I Just Don’t Get It

Posted in Rants, The Iron on May 5th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I like success stories. Beat cancer, survived the wilderness, overcame a handicap, worked hard and changed life/lives for the better. The key is hard work, and with hard work comes sacrifice.
Let’s look at two guys both in their early 30’s and both 5’10”.
Guy A
– dines out 4 to 5 times a week
– drinks 6 to 7 days a week with 2 to 3 of those days being 6 drink minimum days
– out till 12 to 1 AM at least 2 times midweek while having to be awake and at work for 7 AM
– high carb/fat and low protein intake (chips, candy, pizza, soda, ice cream, unfiltered wheat beers, buffalo wings, fast food)
– exercise consisting mainly of steady state cardio
– 235 lbs

Guy B
– dines out 1 to 2 times a week
– drinks 1 to 2 days a week with 0 to 1 of those days being 2 drink minimum days
– out till 9 to 10 PM at least 1 time midweek while having to be awake and at work for 7 AM
– high “quality” protein and fat and low carb intake along with vitamins and natural supplementation
– exercise consisting of weight lifting, metabolic conditioning, and steady state cardio
– 193 lbs

Guy A seems to be out partying it up and burning the candle at both ends. Guy B on the other hand seems to be staying healthy. So, barring any catastrophic event, who will live longer? My money is on Guy B.

Now, I know all of you smarty pants out there are saying “they’re both you”. Yeah, A was then and B is now. Don’t get me wrong, at the time when I was A I was having wicked fun. I was out late all the time eating shitty food, hammered off my ass. Pretty soon my clothes started getting really tight, then I couldn’t find “non-fat person” clothes to fit in to. Then I noticed that my afternoon lunch nap became my first break nap plus afternoon nap. Then I would get home a knock a couple back because I was exhausted and needed to unwind. But the final straw was when I saw a picture of myself shirtless setting up camp in Yosemite. I looked like shit, plain and simple.

So I decided to clean up my act and get healthy and in shape, but that meant sacrificing things I loved. As time went on and I started get in shape I started wondering if I really did love the food/booze/late nights or was I just conditioned to it?

Well, with a couple trials and painful errors I’ve come to believe that I was definitely conditioned to it. After living cleaner for a while now I look and feel better then I have in a very long time. Here comes the rub though; the people I used to hang out with are “confused” about “why I’ve changed” and think “people have changed me and made me different because I don’t hang out anymore”.

Here it is quite simply:
Yes, I have changed. I didn’t become a drug abuser. I didn’t become a wife beater or alcoholic. I got in shape. I got healthy.
No, I can’t hang out like I used to. Four to five hours of sleep makes me feel like shit for the next day and a half. If I told you out of 365 days in a year you could feel good awesome for 115 of them, but for the other 260 days you would have to feel: tired, bloated, lethargic, headachy, and possibly nauseous. You’d tell me to fuck off.
Yes there were people involved. This is the one that perturbs me the most. If someone I know achieves success I try to be the first to congratulate them because I would expect them same in return. If someone you knew was sick and found the help they need to get better wouldn’t you feel relieved? Surprisingly though, I’ve come to find out that people that I thought would be extremely supportive are not. Is there some sort of confusion here as to why I’ve decided I want to get in to shape? Is it bucking the status quo that some people have become accustomed to? I’m feeling, mentally and physically, better than I ever have, so where am I wrong? I just don’t get it.


Griz’s Tuesday Shop Ride Review

Posted in In-Digestion, Rants on April 27th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

Feeling a list coming on!!!

I learned that a lot of people got soft and doughy over the past winter.

I learned that even with only riding 7 times so far this year the offseason training is gonna pay off.

I learned that I still have the legs for the flats.

I saw too many shaved man legs. If you’re gonna shave you had better be fast.

I didn’t see enough females.

I learned that New Britain has 3 bakeries that make delicious Russian ryes.

I figured out that people don’t know how to pace line.

I saw Buck take a massive pull on 17.

I noticed my sworn enemy decided he better keep his douche bag ass in back with the slow riders.

I found out that the junior varsity waitresses are working right now because it sure as shit wasn’t varsity level service.

I noticed that some motherfuckers just look straight up frail.

I learned that slices and cookies are the power buys.


Buck’s Tuesday Shop Ride Review

Posted in In-Digestion, Rants on April 27th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

When you ignore your fiber supplements on the weekend while ingesting a largely liquid diet then your morning shit looks like The Challenger breaking up on re-entry. I learned that this morning and I believe it.

The best Russian Rye is supposedly baked at an industrial park in Colchester, Connecticut where the line spills into the streets. I learned that last night and I don’t believe it.

So, finally, after months of lifting heavy stacks and dreaming of the day, the shop rides started. While my gearing still gave me the shaft on the typical climbs I felt that I was, once again, A-group worthy. I spent a lot of time in the drops taking big pulls against the wild wind and my knees never once slapped against a hanging gut. I can remember trying to hang on to the A-group last year and giving up in about 90 seconds as I floated somewhere between the lead and secondary groups contemplating another year of 30-mile solo rides in the void.

My new 28-tooth wonder cassette should be in early next week. This little CNC miracle will give me the edge on all of Glastonbury’s HC climbs and mountain-top summit finishes.


Fuck Your Advice, My Advice is Better

Posted in In-Digestion, Rants, The Iron on April 21st, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I like helping people.   I’ve always been that way.   I was probably one of the few honest mechanics out there.   If you really didn’t need it I would tell you so.   Since I’ve been lifting and dieting for a while now and I see what works and what doesn’t, I’ve been trying to impart a little wisdom.


People ask me how I’ve lost so much weight, how I got stronger/leaner, and I tell them straight out what I have been doing.   Its wicked simple: lift weights, eat less.

1.  I train at least 4 times a week.

Everyone else says:

I can’t lift heavy weights like that.

I say:

Just lift weights.   They don’t have to be crazy heavy.   Just something to build muscle.   Muscle burns fat.

Everyone else says:

Well, I just want to <insert steady state cardio exercise here> because so-and-so says blah blah blah.

I feel like saying:

Fuck so-and-so cuz <insert steady state cardio exercise here> ain’t working for you.    That fucking bullshit steady state cardio is killing your muscles and your muscles are what burn fat.


2. I 24 hour fast 2 times a week, I have a protein/green drink shake for breakfast, a protein shake and vitamins for lunch, a protein shake after training, and a big ass dinner.

Everyone else says:

I can’t not eat all day.

I say:

You don’t have to do what works for me.   You have to do what works for you.   You need to up the protein and lower the carbs though.

Everyone else says:

Well, <insert magazine name here> says to have a ratio of blah blah blah and eat this now and that later.

I feel like saying:

Fuck what the magazines say.   Are you doing that every day exactly to a tee?   NO!!!   Find the easiest thing that works and just stick with it.   Forget these quick loss bullshit schemes.   I still eat pizza, i just get a slice or two instead of a whole pie.   I still eat bbq, I just go light on the sauce and get veggies instead of fries.   I still eat gellato, I just have 2 or 3 spoonfuls and put it back.   I still eat chocolate, I just have one or two squares and put that back.    Just be smart about it.


I’ll talk more about this later cuz i could go on for a long time.


1st Shop Ride of the Year

Posted in Rants on April 12th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

Today is the first shop ride of the year and guess what, IT’S SUPPOSED TO FUCKING POUR RAIN ALL DAY!!! Mother fucking rain. I don’t care about rain rides when it’s warm out, but a cold rain ride? Fuck that shit. I just did 53 on Saturday, that’ll hafta hold me over for now.

At least there’s cycling on tv to watch to keep me occupied. Tour of Flanders and Paris Roubaix were just on and THEY FUCKING SUCKED TOO!!! If it wasn’t for Cancellara attacking and trying to make something happen the races would of looked like a god damn charity ride lead by Cancellara. BORING. P-R was 3 fucking hours too. I just started fast forwarding through that fucker.

Congrats to Garmin-Transitions and Johan Van Summeren for their first big win, but how does JVS celebrate his win? He proposes to his long time girlfriend. Damn son, you’re a fucking cycling celebrity now, fuck marriage and go nail some groupies. I’d find the hottest chick at the party, hand her that cobble you get for winning, and say “this is my exercise weight……for my cock.”


P.S. Pozzatto’s team car getting a flat tire was the funniest story of the weekend.


The Season is Upon Us

Posted in Rants on March 14th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

The winter where I live has absolutely sucked ass. We had more snowfall than the northern ski areas, literally. Roads were reduced to pinball chutes by the looming walls of snow. So much sand was thrown down that most roads looked like back country packed-dirt driveways. Plus, don’t forget about the frost heaves, a Southern New England staple. These problems though, they’re all solvable by warmer weather. Snow melts, street sweepers pick up the sand, and even frost heaves start to settle back down somewhat. The biggest problem we’re facing are potholes.

There are more potholes around this year than I have seen over the past 3 years combined. The roads around here were never the best paved roads to start with. Hell, there’s even roads around that have more hot patch than true asphalt. Repave ’em? Nah, the DOT has to keep busy between coffee breaks somehow. With some of these potholes big enough to hide a helmet in, I decided to make use of the nice weather we had this past Saturday and reconnoiter some of my favorite roads.

I’ve spent the past couple of years mapping out some routes that are bike friendly. Straight, smooth, few stop signs, and even fewer cracks/potholes are key. So, before I start planning any long rides I wanted to see if my routes were still viable.

Went out, rode, roads look surprisingly good, end of story. Abrupt ending, huh? Well, hold on a second there, killer. I’m two miles from where I parked a guy starts backing out of his driveway with a very large piece of pvc pipe of top of his truck roof. He sees me and stops, but the pipe is sticking out far enough that I needed to give it a little extra space. Seeing this, I slide over two to three feet and seconds later I hear a horn blaring at me. Well, here comes this motherfucker in a Dodge pickup truck swinging past me on the other side of the road to pass me out. And what’s 15 yards ahead of me? A FUCKING STOP SIGN!!! So I decided to let him know how I felt as he was passing me by prominently showing him my left middle finger and yelling “FUCK YOU!!!” I then proceeded to chase him down to pass him out at the stop sign. I wanted to show him my right middle finger and tell him, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!”

Motherfucking cocksucking asshole. I hope he gets cancer of the dick hole and he can’t piss anymore and then he has to get a colostomy bag and he spills it all over himself when he walks in on me eating the dinner his wife cooked for me. Hahaha, fuckin’ asshole.


Wicked nut punch

Wicked nut punch

Basic MANtenance to Combat Vaginitis

Posted in Rants on March 9th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment
Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

I hafta thank Von for coercing me, like a high school football jock trying to talk the math class nerd girl in to a hand job, in to training at his place this off season. Before I delve in to this topic a bit further, let me step back for just a second here to fill you in as to why I chose this for my off-season training.

I have always viewed myself as a cyclist first and foremost. I feel I’m a pretty good cyclist, I routinely ride solo 100+ mile rides, I ride better than guys that are lighter and more experienced than I am, and people seem to recognize that I’m good because I’m always getting asked for advice. The thing I feel that has always kept me progressing with my riding abilities is that I always try to find a way to make a ride hard. Sometimes its riding with people who are better than I am. Other times its riding in the hills, which I absolutely hate. Whatever I do though, I always try and find a way to up the difficulty, even if only a little bit. You always need to find ways to challenge yourself to get better.

So, in steps Von telling me that if I’m looking for a real challenge I should show up and try some of his workouts. So out of curiosity, I rode my bike out to his house to check out one of their “sessions”. Lifting weights, jumping over shit, running, jumping on top of shit, dragging this, flipping that. It looked hard, but I LOVE a challenge. So I showed up the following Thursday, and had my ass handed to me, as I expected (I still feel this workout was custom tailored to fuck me). I just couldn’t believe how badly I had my ass handed to me. Fucking challenge? This was straight up misery.

Well, next week I was ready to go, and wouldn’t ya know, I got my ass handed to me again. And the same with the week after that, but for one exception, the rower. We were doing a workout that involved doing a 500 meter row as a station, and I knew going in to this that Buck (our other partner in crime here) had rowed a time that I felt I should beat, that I felt I better beat. Well, sure as shit I beat it, but I still got my ass handed to me for the overall workout.

That row time though was a little light at the end of the tunnel for me. So, we decided to set up a formal 500 meter timing session. This time around, well, I took the gym record. Boom, hooked. That’s all it took, just a small victory.

A couple more workouts go by, and I can notice that I’m getting better. This put us well in to Fall now so less and less people were showing up. Why? Cold, snow, lazy, a new CBS show involving crime and cops, who knows? Honestly, I don’t know why anyone would turn down this free handout. So Von, Buck, and I decided to keep doing what we’ve been doing no matter how cold or snowed in, but also add in a healthy dose of core lifts (deadlift, squat, press, bench, power clean, etc.)

Its March now and the rest is history. We’ve been putting in 4 to 5 days a week lifting and doing high intensity training. Shit, Wednesday is even the designated bench press day. Now I know you’re thinking, “bench pressing isn’t going to help you ride better.” No, its gonna help me BE better. This is what we call MANtenance. Yes, you read it right, MANtenance.

There’s a severe lack of MANtenance going on out there. MANtenance is the all encompassing need to rid the body of Vaginitis (gotta give Mandler @ marchmanstrength.com props for the use of “Vaginitis”). Ladies, this applies to you too as Vaginitis has been clinically proven in a fictitious University’s double blind study to cause more painful than normal menstrual cycles. So listen up. Ridding the body of Vaginitis is done by:
A. Lifting heavy ass weights – pink dumbbells and 1/4 squats don’t count
B. Dealing with the pain of finishing strong while training – finish what ya fucking start
C. Not wearing hair gel – stupid looking
D. Not listening to dubstep – scientifically proven to make you weak
E. Eating dead animal muscle – What do Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddy Merckx have in common? They kicked ass and they weren’t vegan.
F. Wear suspenders – they look cool, on women too
G. Stop shaving – preferably men only (side note – ladies, “shaved” is out of style)

You’ll know when the Vaginitis is leaving you’re body from after training symptoms such as:
A. Nausea
B. Redness of the skin
C. Lightheadedness
D. Vomitting (in extreme cases)
E. The urge to urinate on tattoo t-shirts

I can speak from first hand experience and I’m trying to save you. I used to ride the trainer a lot (bike trainer, get your mind out of the gutter). This made me good at cycling, but fundamentally weak everywhere else. I couldn’t deadlift two times my own body weight. Pathetic. Quit your bitching that this will make you heavy and bulky cuz it won’t. Eating a lot will make you heavy and bulky. Since we’ve been doing all of this training all of my strength and endurance numbers have gone up while my weight has gone down. Its as simple as that. So, if you call it product instead of hair gel, wish you could fist pump with the best of ’em, or think a kettlebell is what you ring when your roommate brings home a “grenade”, act quick. Go get some weights NOW because it sounds like you have an extreme case of Vaginitis. I’m not telling you to stop riding, but three kettlebells are all you need to get started ridding your body of Vaginitis and start on the path to high level MANtenance.


P.S. Props again to marchmanstrength.com for originally discovering “vaginitis”, maybe this world can be saved.

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

I Hate Cold Weather

Posted in Rants on February 25th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment
Andy Hampsten is a bad mofo.

Andy Hampsten is a bad mofo.

This shit fuck weather here in New England needs to end soon. Von, Buck, and I have been lifting, HIITing, metconing, complexing, eating, shitting, sleeping. No riding though. Fucking snow!!!

The roads around here look like dirt paths with giant fucking craters and frost heaves. Plus, some of the snow piles are so tall that you can’t see around corners. Wicked safe. Thanks snow plows.

Now, I know that all the training is good for the season, but we’re all starting to lose it a bit. Buck and I have been out on the road once, and the wind chill was so bad I honestly thought I was gonna lose my finger tips. They were so numb I couldn’t feel the shifters. And, yes, I was wearing gloves. I’ve rode in colder, but it was the wind that made it unbearable. “Oh, but Griz, if you loved riding you’d be out no matter what.” Well, you know what I say? I love my finger tips more and go fuck your garbage disposal. For those of you that understand and agree with me I hope you win the lotto or finally get to bang that model you’ve been dreaming of. Ya know what? Fuck it. I hope ya’ll get both.

All I wanna do is ride right now. I love lifting, but riding calms me down. For example: I was walking around the grocery store the other day and I noticed that I was swearing, and not under my breath like usual, but out loud. Everyone and everything there was pissing me off. I hafta get out on the bike and burn some steam off or someone might get beaten with a pumpernickle rye next time.


I See Fat People

Posted in Rants on February 16th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I’m no fitness model, but I think I work with some of the fattest people around. I mean, damn, we work 1st shift so we get out pretty early which leaves a ton of time left to get things done after work.

Me personally, I leave work, drive straight to Von’s for Angry Bike Guy training, lift heavy shit, move fast while lifting heavy shit, drive home, shower, eat dinner, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve always wondered what these guys are doing when they aren’t at work because they talk about this place like its their be all/end all. Do they go home and think of coming here the next day? Do they just sit around and watch TV? Do they masturbate to the Gumby and Pokey show? I just don’t know. But, I do know that these dudes are death walking.

Examples? Ok!!!
There are a couple guys who look like they are sweating standing still.
There are some other guys that sound like Jabba the Hut when they breathe.
There are two guys that I can think of that have waist lines that very close to a 1:1 ratio with their height.
There’s another guy who’s so fat his legs from the shins down are a vibrant shade of purple.
There’s a woman who’s ass is so big she I think she has to swing it left and right to force her legs forward.

I know people that would love to have time after work to exercise, but have to work shitty long hour jobs because the US economy is fucked. These guys just shit in the face of those people with their vending machine diet filled colon.

I used to do the 6 day a week, 55 to 60 hour a day bullshit and I hated it. I’m not squandering this opportunity. Time to lift, time to ride, time to hike. I’ll trade a couple of extra bucks for that any day. I’m not going to sit around eating cellophane wrapped food that you pick with a letter and a number. I’m not going to get the diet coke with the large pizza. I’m going to enjoy what I have while I have it.

You need to streamline your life. Cut out the bullshit.


I call BULLSHIT!!!

Posted in Rants on February 15th, 2011 by Griz – Be the first to comment

I call bullshit on professional cycling.

I’m of the age where I can still remember when people believed the WWE (then WWF) was real. We all know that there are people doping in cycling and that they are the “heels”. And we know that there are clean guys and teams, the “faces”. This ruling reversal though, this is like when Vince McMahon said that its not a sport and its only entertainment. Next we’ll probably hear that the outcomes are fixed too.

I hope the cyclists revolt.