The Floyd Fingerblastedyou Fund

Posted in dope, Rants on October 11th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Floyd Landis says he vows to pay back everyone that contributed to the Floyd Fairness Fund. I fucked a girl one time that I vowed to call the next day. I think she still might be waiting by the phone.

Floyd did the same thing, but on one hell of a bigger scale. Its like he walked in to the bar full of suckers and said “hey, I’m a TdF winner and I’m clean,” took them back to their place (because you never let them know where you live), “accidentally” slipped it in their ass and blamed it on the whiskey, took off while they were sleeping, and called back a couple years later and said, “hey…um…I’ve tested positive, but…uh…well…I was clean when ya let me raw dog ya, but…eh…ya still might wanna get tested. I’m sorry though. I’ll make it up ta ya eventually.”

A buddy hooks me up with a sixer, I can get them back next week. If someone loans me a million plus that’s a different story. Might take a couple years seeing as I’m not rich or have rich friends. On the other hand, I might just learn spanish and get the fuck outta dodge.

Personally, I think Floyd should start hustling local shop rides. He’s been out of the lime light so long that people probably wouldn’t recognize him. Plus, he’s been going for the hobo look lately so that would make it even tougher to figure out who it was. He could rake in tens of dollars a day!!! And, the cherry on top, he could dope all he wants because there isn’t any of that pussy ass testing at shop rides.

Remember that solo ride he took off on that lead to his TdF win? Man, imagine a doped to the gills Floyd lapping you at your weekly shop ride. Shit, I’d pay 10 bucks for that. Maybe even buy him a slice and a beer. It would be like those porno movies where the guy pays some ‘roided out girl to beat the shit out of him or some fat ass girl to sit on his face and smother him. You’d essentially be paying for some masochistic bike ride ass whoopin’.

What about just straight up selling his blood? Now, I know that it would only be limited to people with that blood type, but what a post-ride add on that would be. He could jump off his bike and scream, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!” Next thing you know, he’s whipped out a plastic cooler filled with bags of blood. Shit, for a couple bucks more he could sign the bag and take a picture with you holding it up and smiling. A couple years of that, shit, he’ll be straight ballin’.


Legalize It

Posted in dope, Rants on October 7th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

Buck and I had an interesting conversation last night. He believes that doping should be allowed where I think it should definitely be banned.

If you allow pros to openly dope next up is endorsements. After that you’ve got ‘roided out teens looking like they’re in their late 20’s with tiny nuts (or hairy tits) and abnormally large hearts trying to pump molasses for blood. Shit, I’ve known people that used recreational performance enhancing drugs. They weren’t even fucking competing as amateurs. What do you think will happen to kids that’s think they can become pros?

Don’t get me wrong I think almost every pro cyclist dopes, but if you use something that isn’t on the banned substance list does that make it doping? What if they found some fungus that grows in the ass of some animals way up some mountain somewhere? I doubt the UCI has high altitude animal ass fungus on their banned list right now. One day they might, but as of right now they don’t.

So you start main lining this fungus and, kaapow, you barely have to breathe going up a 20% grade. Jump to a couple years down the road. Some fucking pencil neck lab nerd deems that this fungus might shrink your balls (or give you balls if you’re a chick), so on to the banned list it goes.

Game over, no taking it anymore. But for those couple of blissful years you were king of the world. All those years you were shooting up that ass fungus you were smoking everyone left and right, but now you’re pedestrian at best. A year or two of this and everyone says you were doping and stopped. You weren’t doping, you just found a sporting advantage.

I’m all for sporting advantages. If we weren’t for sporting advantages we’d all still be riding some fucking rusty ass steel single speed, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer for recovery.

What else can offer a sporting advantage though? There are some cyclists out there that are reported to like the booger sugar. Even though that is illegal in most countries its not on the UCI banned list. So I’d be willing to bet that there are some riders out there running lines to stay amped and stay skinny. Case in point, Tom Boonen. Faced criminal charges, passed out of competition drugs tests. To be fair, it might have been a random thing like he said. Although, his win totals sure as shit dipped when he got off the cheese. Coincidence?

What about laxatives? Wait, wait, hear me out. Ever notice that when you’re about to shit your pants after a night of booze and tasty food, no matter how hungover (or drunk) you still are your fucking body turns in to this perfect machine of speed and agility to get your ass to that toilet.

What about the threat of sex with an ugly, obese person. We’ve all been “hogging” at least one time in our lives (don’t deny, testify!!!), but we usually keep the shit quiet. Now, what if that person was on…eh…let’s say a moped. Not too fast, but keeps a good pace. If they catch you, not only do you have to say you already fucked them, but you have to recreate the night, live, on camera. You all know, when “hogging”, you do some pretty nasty shit because you just don’t give a fuck. You’d pedal like Cancellara peaking for the TdF on adderall, fast as fuck.

Or the converse of that one, put your dream lay at the end of the race and the only way you get to claim your prize is by winning. Maybe second place gets you oral, third place you just get to dry hump the shit out of their leg.

Just some ideas…you never know.


Buck, Griz & Von Legal Services LLC

Posted in dope, Rants on October 6th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

I love that they keep finding new ways to catch dopers. I’m lovin’ it McDonald’s. You know what though, these guys do deserve a fair shake. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? This is fucking getting out of control everybody. Shitty little local newspapers and radio stations are talking about this.

Well, I’m here to go on record to say until there is 100% without a shadow of a doubt conclusive evidence, I say AC is not guilty. NOT GUILTY, PEOPLE!!! But with all of this press I think this can be spun to benefit AC and make him BIGGER THAN LANCE!!!

I’m not a lawyer, but I can be an advisor. So, here’s my top ten defenses to pissing plastic and Clenbuterol.

1. Someone forgot to tell AC that you swallow what’s inside the energy gel packet, not eat the whole packet

2. In an effort to get lighter, he started eating helium balloons

3. When he heard Lance was coming back last year, out of a fit of rage he ate a Livestrong bracelet

4. He’s really Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four

5. He licks his bike for good luck

6. He didn’t know there was Clenbuterol in his EPO syringe

7. Oscar Sevilla said it was OK

8. He got the steak from an Olympic cow

9. He didn’t know the Whizzinator was made of IV bag material

10. He thought Clenbuterol was english for flu shot

11. He licks Fuyu Li for good luck

12. He swallowed a condom (Hey, stop thinking that’s a gay accusation. Maybe he was a drug mule.)

13. His inflatable penile implant ruptured

14. Just like jew hunting, its legal in Kazakhstan (Borat said so)

15. The antidoping control officer accidentally put his coffee stirrer in AC’s urine sample while having his morning croissant

16. He frequently purchases “enlargement” creams unknowingly containing Clenbuterol

17. Some blow-up doll material was still stuck to him after a long night of slow and sensual Spanish love making

18. Greg Lemond offered him a lifetime enrollment in an Omaha Steaks competitor Preakness Placers to congratulate him on his success.

19. He requested the EPO enfused Duck Confit, but they said the Clenbuterol NY strip was all that was available

20. He got a blow job from a french hooker using a dental that was a little too toothy and caused massive abrasions

I’m sitting here waiting for the phone to ring, AC. Let’s get this shit fixed.


Apocalypse Contador Redux

Posted in dope on October 1st, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

“But, your Honor, I thought the white powder on that doughnut was powdered sugar not coke.”

Yeah, you or I would be at the least doing community service for months picking up shit on the side of the highway, or on the flip side, strengthening our buttholes and practicing soap holding for time spent at big boy prison because its gonna hurt (dot com).

Yes, I know there’s a big difference between coke and clenbuterol, but the idea is the same. Coke doughnut or doped steak, ignorance of the law does not excuse you from the law.

So what’s next? Whoops I thought that was insulin, not HGH. Sorry. I cut myself shaving last night, that’s why I needed a blood transfusion. My bad.

That’s probably where it really came from, a blood transfusion. Mother fucker smiles when everyone else is grinding their teeth up these hills. He was keeping pace with Rasmussen and that pale skinny fuck was practically sweating a pharmacy.

Athletes are held to a higher standard, as they should be. We all know that cycling has some of the toughest testing around and a guilty until proven innocent mentality, but if that’s what you sign on for that’s what you need to live up to crybabies.

My job fucking sucks, but they regularly drug test. I can’t say, “damn, I thought that was the new USPS postage stamps and not blotter acid.” Boom, fired.

And what about his teammates he shared the steak with? They should be ripshit pissed. He could of cost them their jobs too. If that was me, I’d walk my ass down to Le Whole Foods or whatever the fuck its called in France and save every fucking receipt for the organic, peace loving, hippie, save-a-tree bullshit I bought. Fucking paper trail people.

Take pictures of me buying it, eating it, shiting it. Fuck, for all they know, they were eating a goddamned race horse that couldn’t win a race. They pump them full of that shit.
You know what though, I’ve been feeling a little slow in the hills lately. Let me take a beat down to the Kentucky Derby or the fucking glue factory and pick up a nice fucking t-bone. Hey, if it good enough for AC, then its good enough for me.

Shit, a wink and a thumbs-up would make that last one in to a pretty nice “Horse, its what’s for dinner” ad.