Basic MANtenance to Combat Vaginitis

Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

Vaginitis? You need MANtenance!!!

I hafta thank Von for coercing me, like a high school football jock trying to talk the math class nerd girl in to a hand job, in to training at his place this off season. Before I delve in to this topic a bit further, let me step back for just a second here to fill you in as to why I chose this for my off-season training.

I have always viewed myself as a cyclist first and foremost. I feel I’m a pretty good cyclist, I routinely ride solo 100+ mile rides, I ride better than guys that are lighter and more experienced than I am, and people seem to recognize that I’m good because I’m always getting asked for advice. The thing I feel that has always kept me progressing with my riding abilities is that I always try to find a way to make a ride hard. Sometimes its riding with people who are better than I am. Other times its riding in the hills, which I absolutely hate. Whatever I do though, I always try and find a way to up the difficulty, even if only a little bit. You always need to find ways to challenge yourself to get better.

So, in steps Von telling me that if I’m looking for a real challenge I should show up and try some of his workouts. So out of curiosity, I rode my bike out to his house to check out one of their “sessions”. Lifting weights, jumping over shit, running, jumping on top of shit, dragging this, flipping that. It looked hard, but I LOVE a challenge. So I showed up the following Thursday, and had my ass handed to me, as I expected (I still feel this workout was custom tailored to fuck me). I just couldn’t believe how badly I had my ass handed to me. Fucking challenge? This was straight up misery.

Well, next week I was ready to go, and wouldn’t ya know, I got my ass handed to me again. And the same with the week after that, but for one exception, the rower. We were doing a workout that involved doing a 500 meter row as a station, and I knew going in to this that Buck (our other partner in crime here) had rowed a time that I felt I should beat, that I felt I better beat. Well, sure as shit I beat it, but I still got my ass handed to me for the overall workout.

That row time though was a little light at the end of the tunnel for me. So, we decided to set up a formal 500 meter timing session. This time around, well, I took the gym record. Boom, hooked. That’s all it took, just a small victory.

A couple more workouts go by, and I can notice that I’m getting better. This put us well in to Fall now so less and less people were showing up. Why? Cold, snow, lazy, a new CBS show involving crime and cops, who knows? Honestly, I don’t know why anyone would turn down this free handout. So Von, Buck, and I decided to keep doing what we’ve been doing no matter how cold or snowed in, but also add in a healthy dose of core lifts (deadlift, squat, press, bench, power clean, etc.)

Its March now and the rest is history. We’ve been putting in 4 to 5 days a week lifting and doing high intensity training. Shit, Wednesday is even the designated bench press day. Now I know you’re thinking, “bench pressing isn’t going to help you ride better.” No, its gonna help me BE better. This is what we call MANtenance. Yes, you read it right, MANtenance.

There’s a severe lack of MANtenance going on out there. MANtenance is the all encompassing need to rid the body of Vaginitis (gotta give Mandler @ props for the use of “Vaginitis”). Ladies, this applies to you too as Vaginitis has been clinically proven in a fictitious University’s double blind study to cause more painful than normal menstrual cycles. So listen up. Ridding the body of Vaginitis is done by:
A. Lifting heavy ass weights – pink dumbbells and 1/4 squats don’t count
B. Dealing with the pain of finishing strong while training – finish what ya fucking start
C. Not wearing hair gel – stupid looking
D. Not listening to dubstep – scientifically proven to make you weak
E. Eating dead animal muscle – What do Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddy Merckx have in common? They kicked ass and they weren’t vegan.
F. Wear suspenders – they look cool, on women too
G. Stop shaving – preferably men only (side note – ladies, “shaved” is out of style)

You’ll know when the Vaginitis is leaving you’re body from after training symptoms such as:
A. Nausea
B. Redness of the skin
C. Lightheadedness
D. Vomitting (in extreme cases)
E. The urge to urinate on tattoo t-shirts

I can speak from first hand experience and I’m trying to save you. I used to ride the trainer a lot (bike trainer, get your mind out of the gutter). This made me good at cycling, but fundamentally weak everywhere else. I couldn’t deadlift two times my own body weight. Pathetic. Quit your bitching that this will make you heavy and bulky cuz it won’t. Eating a lot will make you heavy and bulky. Since we’ve been doing all of this training all of my strength and endurance numbers have gone up while my weight has gone down. Its as simple as that. So, if you call it product instead of hair gel, wish you could fist pump with the best of ’em, or think a kettlebell is what you ring when your roommate brings home a “grenade”, act quick. Go get some weights NOW because it sounds like you have an extreme case of Vaginitis. I’m not telling you to stop riding, but three kettlebells are all you need to get started ridding your body of Vaginitis and start on the path to high level MANtenance.


P.S. Props again to for originally discovering “vaginitis”, maybe this world can be saved.

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

Yeah brotha, no vaginitis here!!!

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