You know you want it, and you know you want me to give it to you

Let me go on record as saying that I’m not going to write about what my new years resolution(s) is(are) because I know you don’t care, and I already started on mine when the cycling season ended.   Nope, this is not about me.   This is all about you, because, “Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” (Thank-you Fight Club)   I’m going to tell you what your resolutions should be.   If you ride a bike and have already made resolutions, throw ’em out the fucking window……aaaaaaand away we go!!!

1. You resolve to lift some fucking weights.

– So what if you can go up the hills fast if you break a sweat lifting your bike to mount it on your bike rack.

I bet he's pretty light going up hills too.

2. You resolve to learn to fucking shift properly.

– You can’t shift properly under a load.   That’s why you drop your chain more than a white trash meth head drops to her knees.

This could be you.

3. You resolve to incorporate some fucking training rides.

– “But I don’t have a fancy bike computer that will stop time at a finish line,” you say.   Buy a dirt cheap bike comp, find a telephone pole to finish at, and press stop when you get there.

This doesnt count, this is one step above disco bowling.

4. You resolve to stop making pussy ass excuses.

–  “But my training times won’t be right because there’s stop signs and stop lights that I’ll hit along the way,” you say.   Those are called handicaps, you know, like in golf or bowling.   Don’t be handicapped, be handicapable, crybaby.

These guys aren't complaining, think of that next time you dont ride.

5. You resolve to acknowledge that your lack of performance isn’t due to too little gel/electrolyte/protein intake.

– You don’t need to eat anything when you’re going 20 miles @ 17 mph.  Shit, you barely need to drink.

If you need this to complete a shop ride, stop riding.

6. You resolve to economize your time.

– Do you really need to watch more reality TV, the shitty predictable sitcom, or that movie you’ve seen 5 times already?  Train, eat, relax, and get more sleep.

Carbo-loading and above knee jean shorts are unswole.

7. You resolve to not be middle ground.

– Tops of the B-group don’t mean shit.   You might not be the best climber anymore once you’re in the A-group, but you might be able to drop a little pain on ’em in the flats.   But how the fuck would you know, you’re to afraid to step up.

These guys are stepping up...behind each other, but stepping up none the less.

8. You resolve to experience pain.

– There are soldiers in Afghanistan fighting in 100+ degree weather.  Aron Ralston cut his arm off to stay alive (go see 127 Hours).  Lindsey Lohan is going sober (maybe that doesn’t count).  The little bit of lactic acid burn in your legs doesn’t mean shit.  Fight through it.

Jens Voigt, the toughest mofo out there, knows pain.

9. You resolve to listen to heavy metal or any of its many sub-genres (as long as it’s up tempo).

– Your college alt rock ain’t cutting it because you have the aggression of a fucking Care Bear.


10. You resolve to not please everyone.

– Me first, you second.   That’s your new motherfucking mantra.   That person might be faster than you, but don’t give it to ’em.   Make ’em hurt for every mile you can, and smile the whole time.

Fuck Heath Ledger.

Now go run with it.


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