Archive for December, 2010

Road biking? It doesn’t interest me really…

Posted in Rants on December 10th, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

I don’t read the articles that Buck and Griz send out. I don’t know most of the names they toss around. I don’t pay attention to the results or know the history of the races. I don’t care about the rivalries or the controversies or the latest news.

The reason is simple. Male road cyclists have stopped resembling actual men. The sport is overcome with riders who take pride in their pear shaped bodies — incapable of passing grade school fitness tests; the very thought of lifting one’s own body weight a foreign concept. The lack of television coverage is not surprising. If I wanted to watch women compete I’d tune into a WNBA game. As much as it hurts me to admit this, there still exists a faint sense of masculinity as they drive for the hole. Frail and fledging roadies “pushing the big ring” or “throwing down the hammer”? Not so much.

Mario Cipollini may be the only voice of reason within the professional ranks. I like this guy. He looks like a mix between House and Wolverine.

“Machismo is disappearing, I can’t find it in Contador,” he complained. “Contador has the anonymous face of a surveyor or an accountant.”

“I read an interview with Umberto Veronesi, a scientist, a reputed oncologist and Minister for Health,” Cipollini continued. “In five hundred years or more, human beings might have both sets of genitalia, male and female. I don’t want this evolution to have started already in cycling…”

Perhaps it’s not a long shot to consider that road cyclists inject testosterone because their bodies have long since stopped producing it. The performance enhancing effects are moot when you’re grasping to maintain your gender identity.

Moving on, the practice of men shaving their legs is so absurd I will not go into much detail.

“But, the wind …” bitch.
“But, pros do i…” bitch.
“But, It makes m..” bitch.

You’re a fucking bitch.

Continuing on that topic, where are all of the beards? Why are road cyclist always so hairless and clean?


A term often used to describe a youthful homosexual male, who is smooth-bodied, only slightly-muscular, with little or no body hair, and has a semi-athletic build. From “twinkie” (as in Hostess twinkie)- soft and full of cream.

Speed and strength are not mutually exclusive. Denying one’s very manhood for the perceived performance benefits (or, worse yet, to find alignment with the current homo-centric trends in cycling) is a crime against nature and self.

Playing the odds, you will not become a professional cyclist. You will not make any money doing this. You will soon be a 40 year old business analyst sitting at a desk. And you will be weak. Had you grown a beard, lifted some weight, and toughened the fuck up when you were 25 this wouldn’t a be a problem. There was no reason (aside from your faulty logic and misguided beliefs) you couldn’t be both strong and fast. But now your neighbor intimidates you and hire movers when it’s time to move into your next home, pink walls to appease your wife.