Archive for November, 2010

Who is Griz? #3

Posted in Who Is Griz on November 2nd, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

I think next time I’m talking to a girl while wearing my bib shorts I hope she accidentally looks down because I want the chance to say, “Ah hem, my face is up here.”


Today’s Bullshit Headline

Posted in Uncategorized on November 2nd, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment


It has been determined that track cycling still is not interesting.

More to follow.

Why Aren’t We a World Superpower Anymore?

Posted in Rants on November 2nd, 2010 by Angry Bike Guys – Be the first to comment

One of the first huge milestones that you hit as a child is riding a bike for the first time without training wheels. Now, you might say, what about walking, talking, or being able to get to the shitter in time? The problem with those are simple, there isn’t much consequence or pain to failing at them.

You try and walk and you fall. What’s that, maybe a half foot drop at the most? You might not start talking as fast as other kids, but that doesn’t matter because you still get what you need without being able to ask for it; food, diapers, nap, etc. You try and make it to the bathroom in time, but you don’t fully realize yet what that strange pressure is in your lower regions and you piss or shit yourself. Who cares because your still wearing a diaper.

Riding a bike without training wheels is the first big milestone because the safety net is gone. It takes “balls” to jump at that kind of risk. Before that, what kind of risk did you have going for you? What you might not get put in front of the TV in time for your favorite cartoon? Jumping on that bike means that you have consciously decided to take a known risk. There aren’t any wheels to hold you up if you tip too far to the left or right. You are going to fall, and not just half a foot. You aren’t going to get a boo-boo, you are going to get a scrape. You can say “no” and walk away, but you keep getting back on.

I can still remember my first bike, a black & chrome Huffy. It was too big for me, but my parents weren’t rich so they were hoping I’d get a couple of years out of it. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All I knew is that it was cool looking and I couldn’t wait to get on it. Problem was, I didn’t know how to ride and I wasn’t given training wheels either. I was told if I was going to ride a bike I was going to ride a bike, not a trike.

Long story short, after some scraped palms, knees, and elbows I was out riding. My friends and I quickly started extending our rides because the neighborhood just wasn’t enough. A couple miles to Roy Rogers to get a burger, a couple more miles to Carvel for some ice cream, out in to the woods to ride on the dirt bike tracks. We rode everywhere with a house key in one sock, some cash in the other, no helmets, and our parents had no idea where we were. Home before the street lights came on was all that mattered.

Kids to day though? Shit, I’ve met tougher pure bred show cats. I used to work at a bike shop and I saw it all. These oh-my-child-is-so-precious parents would have so much protective gear on their idiot kids that they looked like they’re were wearing one of those big ass safety suits that they wear when training police dogs to attack. I still have some scars from crashing when I was a kid. It was cool. Hey, my scar is bigger than yours. You’d compare them. What are these kids comparing now? Elbow pads? Amount of rest time before riding a bike after lunch? We’re going to have almost a whole decade’s worth of pussies coming along.

They were all birthed in the late 80’s and 90’s. Mid 80’s and previous? Fuckin’ A, you’re coming with me when World War III starts. “Huh, wha? You were born in the late 80’s to mid 90’s? Get the fuck outta my fox hole, there’s no ADHD meds or hair gel allowed in here pussy.” Yeah, yeah, there’s always expectations to the rule, and I’ve seen them. I’ve seen a hell of a lot more of the rule though.

If you were to go on to a bike manufacturer’s website today and look at the sizes of bikes for kids you’d see there’s just about a new size for every two to three years of growth. How about this, raise the seat and handlebars instead of getting a new bike every year. A lot of these sizes overlap and most of the time the kids aren’t sized to them correctly, nor do they care. Get a bike they can beat the shit out of, that’s all they’re going to do until the get older. You just need to get them out the door, on a bike, and off your titty.

Another one of these oh-my-child-is-so-precious parents came in one time with a recently purchased bike complaining that the training wheels weren’t working correctly. I took the bike and looked at it. Everything was installed and functioning properly so I asked what problem she or her son were experiencing. She said that the training wheels weren’t low enough and that they were allowing the bike to tip side-to-side. I then explained to her that the idea of training wheels is that they aren’t supposed to be in constant contact with the ground, only to help if the rider tilts too far to the left or right. She said she didn’t care and she wanted the training wheels to touch the ground along with the rear tire.

Lady, why don’t you stuff your kid back up in that wrinkled snatch of yours if you want to protect him that much. You should of just bought him a trike and told him to wear a helmet for the rest of his life. There are way too many kids out there still on training wheels. What’s next? Don’t lick wallpaper? Stop sniffing paint fumes?

Your kids have to crash. Your kids have to fall down and get back up. Stop helping them all of the time because they aren’t learning to be tough. Stop with the hand out(s). I don’t want these pussies running the country in the next couple of years. Its bad enough that you can be fat and out of shape and get free health care. I don’t think the fact that I stay in shape should benefit your kid who’s going to need to see a shrink every week and wants to get their stomach stapled to get skinny. All they’re going to do is cry that they think universal health care is the solution.

Fuck that and fuck-you. Not on my tax dollars, and not on my sweat. You know what? Fuck your feelings too. Feelings are overrated. Push them down inside and then go outside and take it out on the bike. Pedal like you want to snap the pedals off. It might be too late for you, but your kids still might be able to grow a fucking set.


Tag: rant