Ultimate Athlete Showdown #2

Today we’re pitting the Average Female Cyclist versus the Hot Female Stripper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “Griz, a stripper isn’t an athlete.” Oh really? I don’t know very many people that can hold themselves upside-down on a spinning pole and then do a full split after putting her leg behind her head. If gymnastics is a sport then so is stripping.

1. Amount of attention received
– Average Female Cyclist (AFC) – Tons
The male to female ratio is skewed, but you’re too busy talking about your “epic” weekend ride to notice that she wore the extra tight bib shorts today.
– Hot Female Stripper (HFS) – A lot
Although the male to female ratio isn’t as skewed and she has her bra off, you still keep chucking singles at her blindly while your buddies eat the grilled cheese and fries you ordered from the late-night menu.
– Winner – Hot Female Stripper

2. Amount of attention given
– (AFC) – Very little
She’s the minority of the group and has noticed you jockeying for position to draft off of her, so she feels she can be choosey.
– (HFS) – WAAAAAAAAY too much
She’s got college, a kid(s), and drugs to pay for. She’d jerk you off for an extra $5.
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

2. Conversational ability
– (AFC) – She a cyclist and she’s female
All you have to do is listen and nod.
– (HFS) – Horrible
If it isn’t the music drowning out what she’s saying, its the fact that she has a wicked thick eastern european accent that you’re trying to understand.
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

2. Looks
– (AFC) – Average
When factoring in the lycra and shortage of other females around though, a 5 jumps to a 7, a 7 to a 9, and so on.
– (HFS) – Wicked hot
Although, the dark room, flashing lights, piercingly loud music, and beer might be blurring your perception.
– Winner – its a tie here, no winner

3. Hours Kept
– (AFC) – Can be found typically during the day time
Not so much of a night person due to accidents, potholes, guys in vans, etc.
– (HFS) – Only found at night
Might possibly be a vampire or trying to hide her bruises in the cover of darkness.
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

4. Odor
– (AFC) – Manageable
Typically sweaty, with a slight hint of some flowery deodorant.
– (HFS) – Overpowering
CVS perfume, feminine deodorant spray (FDS), even the rare slight fishy smell if you stupidly pay the extra $10 for her to take her thong off and she forgot to reapply the FDS properly.
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

5. Drug usage
– (AFC) – Very little
No PEDs here, unless consider birth control a PED (Pregnancy Eliminating Device), and of course booze, typically not much else.
(HFS) – Like breathing
Coke, speed, meth, marijuana. And those are just the common ones. Hey, staying awake till 4 AM is tough.
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

5. Chances of a date
– (AFC) – Slight
Your humor helps, but lycra makes things look smaller than they appear.
(HFS) – Not too sure
She said she thinks you’re cute and was sitting on your lap, but when you said you weren’t ready for a lap dance yet she started talking to your buddy. What the fuck?
– Winner – Average Female Cyclist

Well it looks like the Average Female Cyclist by a landslide. Its better that way anyway because trying to explain to your friends why you’re dating a stripper is like trying to explain why you haven’t bib shorts in weeks, no one believes your story and they’re afraid you’re going to catch a disease.

-griz-

Leave a Reply