Revenge is a dish best served in the middle of the road

One of my favorite cycling phrases is “you fucking cunt”. I use it at least once every ride. And, no ladies, I don’t just yell it at females, I yell it at everything. Men, women, animals, potholes, school busses, everything.

Sometimes it’ll become, “fuck-you you fucking cunt”, or “oh, you fucking dirty cunt”, or one of my favorites “fuck-you, you fucking cocksucking cunt”. The F2YF2C is reserved for those special occasions. Occasions like when this fucking old bitch, not only cut me off, but stared straight at me the whole time. “Fuck-you, you fucking cocksucking cunt”. By the time I got back up to speed I couldn’t chase her down. Oh the one that got away.

Fucking motorists tend to forget or just don’t even realize how fast you can actually go on a road bike. They also don’t understand the rules of the road, and that’s why I get pissed and have retaliated. Yes, sweet sweet retaliation.

The best ones are when they think they’re being oh-so fucking clever by passing you out and almost hitting you or riding your ass and almost hitting you, but then they get stuck at a stop light with you. Coincidentally, I have two stories about that.

I was 75 miles in to what would become a 110 mile ride. I’m on the shoulder of a four lane road (two north, two south) and I hear this wicked loud and lifted truck coming along. My first thought was, “this guy’s gonna buzz me.” Wouldn’t you know it, I was wrong. The dude swung over in to the next lane to give me room. Cool, right? So, seconds later after he swings over this dumb cunt comes flying up the road trying to beat him to the spot where the two lanes converge in to one. Well, needless to say, she came within inches of hitting both of us. He laid on his horn, but I doubt she cared. As luck would have it though, the light ahead just turned red and she got stuck at it. I’ve been through this light before and knew I had about 30 seconds before she would get the green. I grabbed my bottle and took a little swig, just enough to wet the inside of my mouth. Next, I proceeded to hawk up the biggest red Gatorade tinted mucus ball I could and spit it right on her rear passenger window as I passed her in hopes that it would be nicely wind smeared and crusty by the time she found it. The dude in the truck started screaming “YEAH” and honking his horn. Glad I could make someones day a little better.

Another time I was descending a hill in my town when I noticed that a guy in a grey Ford Exploder was right on my wheel like he was fucking drafting off of me. Now, this hill I was coming down is decently steep so I’m doing at the very least the speed limit. It’s also twisty with rough shoulders so I tend to move a little ways away from the curb (my state’s law says that I can be in the middle of the lane if I need to) in case there is something around a blind corner. Well, I’m trucking along, but this cocksucking asshole is right on me, plus he has a kid in the fucking car with him. Next thing you know, he starts flashing his lights and revving his engine behind me, but the fucker won’t pass me. I finally come up to a right hand turn so I put my arm up to signal that I’m turning and act like I’m making the turn and the guy finally blows past me. At this point I could see that the light at the bottom of the hill was green for a while, so I took my chances that he’d be stuck at the red light and decided to chase after him. Wouldn’t you know it, there he is stuck at the red light and with it being a such a spectacular summer day I happen to notice that he has his windows rolled down. Well, I got right up next to him and said, “Hey you fucking asshole, I have the right-of-way,” and then looked at the kid and said, “Your dad’s a faggot.” Maybe the kid will grow up smarter now, who knows?


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